Invisible Cars

August 8, 2011

I didn't realize that Canada was so technologically advanced.  I mean, way, way advanced.  Sci-fi advanced.

Did you know that Canada has invisible cars? 

Yes.  Invisible cars.

Now, I haven't seen them myself - they're invisible (duh).  But apparently, Canadians can see them very clearly.  And they seem to be everywhere. 

Unlike Wonder Woman's Invisible Plane, you can't see the driver when they get behind the wheel (you do remember those "Super Friends" cartoons, right?).  Yet, other Canadians can see them just fine.

How do I know?  Because on the road and at stop lights, Canadians leave room for these invisible cars.  They seem to know there is an invisible car in front of them, so they back off, leaving plenty of space for these wonders.  Big wonders.  Huge wonders.  In fact, I'm convinced these invisible cars aren't just cars - but limousines.  Stretch limousines.  Guinness Book Of World Records-long super-stretch limousines.  The space needed for these behemoths is insanely huge, and true to polite-Canadian form, plenty of room is left for these invisible automobiles. 

I just can't believe how many of these invisible cars are on the road.  There must be thousands!  It's like everyone in town - hell, everyone in British Columbia (except me) - owns one, because it seems like every other car is an invisible car (based on the empty spaces on the road - remember, I still can't see them).  Everywhere you look on the road, there are vast areas of empty space between cars.  Brake lights come on frequently as cars brake for their fellow unseen drivers.  40-50 meters of space are left at stop lights, so you know there are invisible cars in line in front of these cars.  I just wish they'd put in double turn lanes here b/c of the huge over-flow of invisible drivers - I mean, at first I was just yelling at these "idiots" for leaving all this space in front of them, keeping me from being able to get into the turn lane by not pulling up to the car in front of them.  I didn't realize, I didn't know - I had no idea there were all these invisible cars that these people were trying to navigate around.  Now I know why Canadians don't keep pace with the car in front of them - it's not that they're just piss-assing around, impeding the flow of traffic for no reason - it's those damned invisible cars taking up all the space on the roads.  How can these poor people go the speed limit when the guy in the invisible car in front of them is slowing them down? (apparently, invisible cars have crappy engines because they are SLOW!).  I was always amazed at the appalled look I would get when I would pass someone that I THOUGHT was just driving like an asshole, going slow, not pulling up at lights, breaking 5 kilometers back from the light, breaking suddenly for no reason - looking at me like I was the devil.  But now I understand!  I didn't know about all the invisible cars out there causing all my fellow Canadians into this frustrating driving style.  And here I was, yelling at them.  No wonder they looked at me in horror.  They knew what I didn't:  that Canada is struggling with a wonderful, glorious technology that they just aren't ready to handle.

Who could have anticipated invisible cars?  Who would have guessed that those empty three car-lengths weren't a product of laziness and inattention, but due to polite accommodation for fellow unseen drivers?  Who knew my fellow drivers keeping me from getting in the turn lane do so, not because they want to, but because they can't help it - those darned invisible cars in front of them keep them from pulling up!  It must be frustrating, dealing with both these unseen drivers, and the angry Americans who can't see them.

I just wish someone had told me earlier.  I've been yelling at the wrong drivers this whole time.  I'm sure I'll get far different looks from my fellow Canadians once I start yelling at those slow, incompetent invisible drivers!

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